Have you ever heard about someone who was happy just before dying?
A climber went up a mountain and never came down again.
He reached his goal.
A diver went under water and didn't come up.
He set his personal record. Maybe he smiled at that!
And here l am, at the end of this story.
This is me. You might think l'm weird,
but even though l'm dying, l'm happy!
15 SEPTEMBER 2000, 5:15 AM
What's a grudge?
You bear a grudge when you... well...when you and l...
Come on, you know what l mean... You have to...
Jeez, why do l have to do this voice-over?
Now, a grudge is...
Well, you are buddy-buddy with someone, right?
You argue for some foolish reason and then...
You don't see each other for three years, like we did.
Who the hell is that, at quarter past five?
You haven't seen me for ages and you slam the door in my face?
What do you want?
l know it's late but something happened...
What the fuck do you want?
Aldo is ill.
Yet, things were different three years ago...
THREE YEARS AGO.
Giovanni, Giacomo and l were chums once, l mean real chums.
Besides, we were actors.
Well, not really Actor's Studio, we were more of... well...
Anyway, l worked as an extra in operas...
lt was five nights a week plus the matinee.
You know, at the beginning you can't be too picky...
l found the job thanks to my girlfriend Silvana.
l don't want to sound boastful, but with me it was girls galore!
Guys, l know l told you a hundred times, but it's true!
l'm in love!
Her name's Dalia, she's gorgeous, she's nice, and smart and...
Whom are you talking to?
No-one, get back to sleep.
- lt's that pic again, isn't it? - Just chatting with old friends.
Do you take that photo everywhere?
l feel uncomfortable without it.
Are you jealous? Are you? Jealous girl!
''l've fallen in love with you,
because l didn't want to be alone.''
Honey, l'm sorry!
Jeez, it hurts! lt bloody hurts!
Bloody hell, billions of platelets wasted!
Sorry!
Sorry, honey l'm so sorry!
Don't worry, seven billion platelets wasted but never mind...
l'm so sorry, sweetie, please forgive me!
Stop apologizing, l'm weak and you smother me.
- Sorry. - And now, the evening news.
Fools, the evening news and it's only 2 o'clock.
''Drivers are stuck in a traffic jam...''
Jeez, the matinee!
Where are my pants? You never find them when you need them!
- Don't throttle me! - Your right arm here...
- Bloody hell, l can't breathe! - Sorry. - Stop apologizing!
lf they don't fire me, l'll quit, because l pity them!
- l'm so sorry! - Will you stop that!
My fly's open, l know. Give me a kiss, come on.
The picture! My memories... Kiss kiss!
Murderer!
- Would you like some ketch-up? - No, thanks.
Shit, do you know what time it is?
Pretty, aren't they?
Maybe l wasn't a great extra.
But with my XYllth-century costume on, l looked smashing!
lt went better for someone else.
Giacomo had made it in the cinema world, he worked as a dubber.
He liked dubbing because he could be a lot of people.
One day you are Cary Grant, the next you are De Niro,
Pacino or Tom Cruise.
One day Giacomo was Mister Quaggott.
How's your cough, Mr Quaggott? Let me hear it.
Again.
lt's fine, Mr Quaggott.
Go on with the treatment and you'll be fine. Goodbye.
Before you let the next patient in, l must tell you something.
- What, doctor? - l love you.
And then there was Giovanni. His situation was even worse.
Poor devil, he worked as a mime at a department store.
One, two, three... Fuck off, mime!
- Let's do that. - Come on, don't...
Come on, kids, l'm working! l know you want to have fun...
Shit!
Why don't you go to school like all kids do?
What blockheads! lf l catch you...
lf l were your father, you'd get a good thrashing.
Didn't you hear me?
- l told you to stand... - Still. - And silent.
Don't talk and don't move.
You must not move for no-reason-at-all!
This is not the street. This is a big department store.
l'm watching you, be careful!
We have to defend our reputation. Next time you move, you're fired!
And keep smiling.
Giovanni could have had a better job.
His folks owned a small coffee-shop.
lt's a pity Giovanni hates coffee!
You'd think we were three assholes and maybe we were.
Things changed the day l moved house. lt was a big day!
Giovanni had agreed to let me live in his parents' old store.
Living in a loft was my dream.
- Home sweet home! - Not forever, anyway...
- Now l'm here l won't go away. - Let me get this straight...
Sorry, Giovanni, what a fool l am!
Thanks, man, you are a lifesaver!
lt's all right, we didn't use the store anyway.
But you won't stay here forever.
Giovanni, come here any time. The door is open for you.
Make yourself at home.
- Well, l own this place... - Just give me a ring before.
Giacomino, you're welcome too! People come and go in this house.
- No. - We do whatever we want to.
- No. - We'll eat and drink all day.
We get drunk and then we break this bloody house down!
- You'll be in charge. - Me?
We were at a turning point in our lives.
We would stage a play on our own. We just had to choose one!
l have a great idea. What about ''Cyrano de Bergerac''?
Giacomino, enough of this American bullshit, give us a break!
- ''Cyrano'' is a French play. - You're such a smart alec!
What about ''La Locandiera''?
But it's written in dialect! How can you learn the lines?
- What's the problem? - Can you act in dialect?
- Piece of cake! - Show me, then!
Gestures are all that matters!
l saw two Cozzer's standing on a Johnny Horner...
- Johnny who? - Horner.
ls this Goldoni's dialect?
Words are not important, it's their sound that matters.
You've gone soft in the head.
Talking to you is like talking to a brick wall.
l had taken an important decision, l'd ditch my girlfriend, Silvana.
She was awfully clingy, l wanted to get rid of her
and get together with Dalia, remember?
The girl who made me waste four billion platelets.
l loved her so much l had bought an engagement ring.
She'll come tomorrow at half past seven, l'll give to her the ring.
''l'll give her the ring'', you should brush up your grammar.
Jeez, you're so fussy! Anyway, don't come here tomorrow.
We thought that was a fresh start.
But it was the beginning of the end...
Freeze! lt's Dalia, my Aphrodite!
- Come on, pick it up. - Let her stew a bit.
She'll hang up.
Hello swee... Silvana!
- Tell her l'm not in! - You answered, moron!
Thank you, friends my ass! Silvana, l was about to call you.
That's telepathy! What? Tomorrow at half past seven?
l can't, my dog is biting his tail.
l went to a kennels and got one. Poor dog, l felt sorry for him.
- Tell me a dog's name, quick! - Boxer. - Boxer.
Morons, boxers don't have a tail!
Well, he tries to bite his tail but he's got diabetes.
The vet said so.
Tomorrow at half past ten. No, half past seven. Alright, at nine.
Ok, eight o'clock. No, half past seven, l'll call for you.
You'll come here?
No, l've got nothing to hide. l wanted to spare you the trouble.
Bye, then.
Why?
Giacomino, please!
- What do you want? - Help me ditch her!
l can't spend my life helping you to ditch your chicks!
- Please! - Grow up! Go and dump her.
l can only give love, you know.
- Come on, do him a favor. - Come on, do me a favor!
- l can't, l'm working tomorrow. - What are you doing?
l'm dubbing a movie.
Did they ask you to fart while a train is passing by?
Look who's talking, Mister Mime! What don't you help Aldo?
- No problem. - Do it, then! - Please, Giovanni!
Thank you!
l don't even know her, what shall l say?
Don't worry!
Jilting other people's girlfriends is dead easy.
Just don't let her speak. Don't give her a chance to reply.
Be cool and detached.
- Like Dino Zoff? - Precisely.
l know you don't know me, but l must talk to you.
- Yes, but... - Please, don't interrupt me.
Please, let me in.
l know it's painful, but l hope you'll understand.
l understand everything but one thing:
who's Aldo?
Aren't you Silvana, the actress?
No. l'm Marina, and l'm a stewardess.
- ls this her flat? - Yes, but she'll be gone by now.
Good morning, ''Al Chicco d'oro'', can l help you?
Aldo, it's Giovanni. You don't need to answer like that.
- Giovanni, you lost a client. - Who?
- One Barlocchi or Barlozzi... - Mister Barozzi! - Yes.
He was our best client!
Aldo, l told you not to talk to our clients.
Just give them my folks' phone number!
He was just a bumptious fool, you won't miss him.
Listen, we must talk.
Did you sort out that little business?
That's the point, l've made a mess of it.
Well, Silvana is coming to your place.
- Who? - Silvana, she's coming over.
Are you brainless? Dalia is coming, too!
- Didn't you say second floor? - What shall l do now?
l'll kill you!
What shall l do? Chill out!
You can't trust your friends! l must relax.
l can't, l'm too edgy. Bloody hell!
- Silvana, what a nice surprise! - What? You said half past seven.
l mean, you're surprisingly punctual!
- You look funny. - No, l'm all right.
- Let me in, l want to see your house. - lt's all in a mess.
l'd rather you didn't come in, l have to safeguard my image.
What's with you? Why are you looking round?
- Can't l just look round? - Let me in, l must go to the toilet.
lt's stopped up, it's disgusting, believe me...
What's going on? What are you hiding?
- Nothing! l mean... - So let me in, let me in! - No!
Let me in!
Jeez, what have l done? Why am l such an idiot? ldiot!
Have l killed her?
Honey, wake up! Come on!
How are you? Lean on me. Are you all right?
God, that hurt! Aldo, what happened?
Never mind that, take a deep breath.
- Why did you head-butt me? - Who, me? l saved your life!
- l remember you head-butted me. - No, a tile fell on you.
l protected you with my body, l saved your life, and you said:
''Thank you for saving my life, but l think we should split up.''
- Did l? - You did!
''We've come to the end of the line of our love.'' You said so.
- Blame it on the tile. - Anyway, you said it!
No, sweetie pie, it can't be, l didn't mean it! l love you.
You can't imagine how much l love you, l want to be with you.
What is this?
lt's beautiful! Oh, darling!
Sweetie, it's gorgeous!
lt's not clear how it happened. lt was an accident but...
Was Aldo driving? Who knows?
l can't picture Aldo driving a car.
He could hardly ride his bike, remember?
We're assuming it's all his fault and maybe it wasn't.
l didn't even know he had gone to Sicily.
l haven't seen him since that day, maybe you did.
lt was three years ago, wasn't it?
Listen, l don't feel like talking.
Let's do this thing if we have to, but we don't need to talk.
That's our train. Palermo, platform seven.
We should buy tickets, Giacomo.
We bought them already.
We? Who?
Sorry l didn't tell you. She bought them.
- Bye. - Giovanni, she called me. - l don't care.
Giovanni, we wouldn't have known otherwise!
- l don't give a damn. - Listen, do it for Aldo.
Right, l'll catch a later train.
lt could be too late.
You know, l really think we should stage ''Cyrano''.
There are a lot of characters and it's just the three of us!
- l know, but l'll sort that out. - Will you play Roxane?
l'm not playing Roxane, but l was thinking...
- lt's in French and in verse! - Will you let me speak?
- l'm listening. - There's Cyrano, right?
Giacomo, look at the ducks!
My idea is to have a storyteller...
Giacomo, look at the sheep!
Look at that lamb!
- May l carry on or...? - Please, do!
- As for Roxane, we can... - Look at those turtledoves!
lf you don't want to listen to me, just tell me, ok?
l'll shut up, you don't need to go ''quack'' all the time.
Giacomo, l'm listening to you, but you should listen to nature!
- Ask me if l'm happy. - Are you happy? - Very.
- Look what l found this morning. - A bicycle? Sweet!
Moron! A letter from Dalia!
She dumped me, l lost her thanks to you.
- You gave me the wrong address. - l don't want to talk about it.
- Anyway, that's not the point. - What is?
- l gave Silvana the ring. - Didn't you want to ditch her?
- l head-butted her first. - What? - You head-butted her?
- Giacomino! - What?
She's showing off the ring saying l want to marry her.
- So? - Help me. - No way! - Please!
Pantani sprints ahead. That's the Tour of ltaly, guys.
Baronchelli heels him.
Bloody hell! The chain has worked loose! Wait for me!
Bloody chain! Giacomino! Don't you feel sorry for me?
Eventually l had managed to persuade Giacomino to help me.
He would go to Silvana's place and talk her into breaking up.
lf he didn't succeed, he would head-butt her and steal the ring.
Blimey, l got all the if-clauses right!
What's this smell? ls that our dinner or a new fertilizer?
You got rid of her, at last!
She was so clingy, she was sticking like a leech!
You did it, l can tell by the look in your eyes.
Bloody hell, you're Mister ''Ditch'em all''!
Did you manage to get the ring? Did you have to head-butt her?
You didn't tell me that Silvana's flatmate was gorgeous.
- What do you mean? - Ask me if l'm happy.
- Ouch! - Are you happy? - Ouch! - Are you happy?
Relax, Silvana is not a problem. Just do me this favor.
After the dinner party she'll be history, trust me.
- When is the party? - Tomorrow.
- l can't. - Don't be such a fool. - Do l have to be there?
l told you we have to be in pairs, Daniela and l, you and Silvana.
Daniela won't come without Silvana.
Besides, we can't have a party at your place without you.
Aldo, to have a 1960s fridge doesn't mean to have 1960s food!
- lt's not just two pairs. - What do you mean?
They're bringing a friend, she just moved in with them.
We need to find another guy or they'll call it off.
No problem! Giovanni?
Can you pass me the cheese, please? What about Lello?
- Lello is a bore! - He is, l'll give you that.
- He's garrulous. - And talks too much. We could invite Brio.
- We could, if he washed. - You can't ask Brio to wash.
- Let's ask Rudy. - The guy who steals car radios?
No, the other one.
You mean the one that does burp contests?
- He won two gold medals. - You're kidding, right?
- He's a VlP and you don't care. - l knew l couldn't count on you.
What fools! Our man is here before our very eyes!
Giovanni? Have you got a friend we can invite?
- No. - Not even a primate with an opposable thumb?
- Get lost! - lt was a joke!
- He bought it! - l didn't. Get stuffed!
''Treat your woman badly, keep her waiting for hours.
Don't call her, and when you do, sound as if you don't care.
Let her think it's no big deal, measure out love and cruelty.
Try to be a tender lover, but once out of bed, be pitiless.''
Look, Aldo, this sounds like bullshit.
Giacomino, listen to me. Marco Ferradini is love's guru.
His song ''Love's Theorem'' tells you how to deal with women.
- Right. - Back from the start.
- ''Try to be...'' -..honest.''
No, ''a tender lover''! You forgot already!
lt's a key point in the Theorem!
l'll come because l promised l would, ok?
But what's the chick like? l hope she's not a monster.
She might as well be a German hound, you must help Giacomino.
- Right. - The sooner, the better. Back to the song.
You can read all the books there are, which l would never dream of.
- You're a learned man, huh? - Ferradini is love's polymath.
Let's get this straight.
- The dinner party is for Giacomino, right? - Yes.
- He'll pay for it, then. - No, we share.
- l gave my contribution, already. - Which is?
- A coin to get the supermarket trolley. - But you'll get it back.
ln the meantime my capital is frozen and interest rates grow.
- What? - Giacomo, you're hopeless in economics.
- What's with him? - He's lost it. Back to the song!
- ''Treat your woman... -..badly.''
You can do it, see? Your eyes sparkle with cleverness.
- Next, ''try to be... -..up to the situation''.
No! ''A tender lover''! Everybody knows!
- Madam, ''try to be... -..a tender lover.''
Even milk enzymes know by now!
Let's go on.
''Out of bed...
-..Keep your head.'' - No! ''Be pitiless''!
You're hopeless, l'm wasting my time.
Giovanni, call the dinner off, we're not ready, we can't do it.
Stop playing the fools, we still have to get dinner ready.
Giacomino, everybody knows it: ''Once out of bed, be pitiless.''
- ''Once out of bed... -..be pitiless.''
- That's impressive, isn't it? - You need a brain transplant!
So the girls will find the house.
ldiot! My cousin became deaf because of that!
- And you'll become dumb after this. - Stay away from me.
lf Giacomino sits down here, Daniela can sit here.
- Giacomino? - What?
- What's your best profile? - Pardon?
Never mind, l'll leave it to chance.
Silvana must sit as far as possible from me.
The coin in the supermarket trolley! l left it in there!
Marina, the stewardess.
Ok, l'll say one thing and then l'll shut up.
On a magazine they told you how to give medicines to a cat.
You take the cat's paw, right? You spread the medicine on it.
The cat licks it up, so he takes the medicine.
True, when my grandma had to give me suppositories,
she spread them on the saddle of my bike!
Giovanni, tell me one thing. How did you and Marina meet?
Well, you know...
- We have mutual friends. - Precisely.
l bet you didn't meet on a plane, Giovanni is afraid of flying.
- Are you really? - Not much.
Not much, he just shits in his pants, doesn't he sweetie?
- Just a little. - Anyway, how did you two meet?
Silvana, he told you, they have mutual friends.
You said you'd shut up but you don't!
- Who are your mutual friends? - Giovannino, what's this smell?
- What smell? - Like something burning.
- The roast! - l can smell it too.
- l'll check it out. - l'll help. - Thanks.
- l can't smell anything. - You screwed up your nostrils.
lt was really burning.
- l really smelt it. - Did you? - No!
That Aldo over there...
- ls he the one you told me about? - Yes.
- Are they still together? - So it seems.
He also gave her a ring.
lt's a long story, l cocked the whole thing up.
- Giacomo is coming on to... - So it seems.
- So we... - What?
- We are the third pair! - No, l mean...
l wouldn't have come if l had known you'd be here too.
- Thanks a lot! - No, l mean...
l wish! l mean... l wish you...
Well, excuse me.
The problem is to find a theatre, because we can sort out the rest.
You know, appearance is not important.
lt's the ideas that matter, the content.
The history of drama says it all: make your imagination work!
What play will you stage?
He'd like to stage ''Cyrano'' but we're not sure.
l can be Roxane, then! l can picture myself on the balcony.
''A kiss is a rose-dot on the 'i' of 'adoration'.''
We should do ''Three men in a boat'', it's just men.
l'm playing Cyrano.
You won't need a fake nose!
Giacomino, don't take it badly. lf l had your nose...
l'd hang myself!
We'll draw a rubber band round it.
- So it will look fake. - Does anyone want some sangria?
- Nice idea! - lt's the tenor's helmet.
They fired me, l took this as golden handshake.
- lt sucks. - lt was Pavarotti's helmet.
- That means five liters of sangria! - Plus his dandruff.
- Nobody lives upstairs, right? - Why?
- l heard a noise. - Maybe it was a pigeon.
- Who the fuck are you? - Who are you?
Shut up, where are the computers?
- What computers? - Sit down.
- Are you here for Pavarotti's helmet? - Shut up.
The helmet is safe.
- lsn't this number 16? - No, this is number 65.
Don't worry, let's forget about it.
- Calm down. - Sit down and shut up!
Give me your wallet.
- Calm down. - Your wallet! - Keep that gun down. - Shut up!
- There you go. - Sit down.
Don't aim your gun at me!
- lt's empty! - You only asked for my wallet.
- We don't have a penny! - Shut up, bitch!
- l like this guy! - You!
- Take your girlfriend's necklace. - l'm not his... - Shut up.
Look, my girlfriend has a ring. Show him!
- l don't give a damn. - What? lt cost half a million lira!
- Give it to me. - But... - Quick! - Do as you're told!
- What's in your mouth? - Nuffin... - Open your mouth!
Open it!
You can shut up. Hurry up!
Don't!
lt's a fake gun.
Don't cry!
Thanks, guys. For the roast, too!
- Don't mention it, Beppe. - Without your help, l...
Beppe, cheer up! Everything will be fine.
You are a smart boy, l can tell.
How?
Beppe, it's just a stock phrase, don't analyze every word.
You should give up burglary, it's not your cup of tea.
Find a job and a nice girlfriend, and you'll be fine.
lt's easier said than done. Girls!
Take that girl at your place, the blonde with the necklace.
- Daniela? - Yes. She gave me her number but what shall l do?
- She gave you her number? - Yes, but...
l can't call her and say: ''Hi, l'm the burglar, remember?''
- What number did she give you? - Her phone number.
- But l'm ashamed to call her. - Why did she?
- Let's go, Giacomino. Bye, Beppe. - Bye.
- ls there a problem? - Giacomino is a bit screwed up.
- Well, thanks again. - Bye. - Maybe l'll call you. - Sure.
- Ok? Goodnight. - Hey, mate, that's my bicycle.
- Sorry, l... - Yes, whatever. - l was just...
You grew fond of it, right? Try and quit old habits, ok?
Tell me the truth. Do you think Beppe is more attractive than me?
Giacomino, don't analyze too much.
Anyway, Daniela is out of your league.
- Why? - She's got savoir faire, she belongs to the noblesse.
Live and let live.
What a shitty year!
Do you think the ring l swallowed will cause me trouble?
No, just eat a bar of soap and it will slip down.
- l feel weird. - You are weird, Giovanni, it's not the ring.
No, Aldo, my mouth is dry. l feel as if it had dried up.
- What? - My mouth dried up.
Jeez! He's about to cry, your mouth's dry. Cheer up, will ya!
- Right, guys, what about a Championship Cup? - All right.
- Stop it, Giacomo! - God, you're so touchy!
Mr Touchy gets two free throws.
Sweet!
l'll score again.
- l stopped you. - You can't stop a free throw.
- Go get the ball. - You go. - l'll go.
Can you give us the ball? We're leaving.
Send constables Briosca and Rezzoli.
Get it!
Get out of here!
Some vandals damaged a statue in the square. Nose and ear.
- Did you find the criminals? - No, it was a kids' gang.
l can't fire my gun at night, can l? What criminals!
Right, write down a report tomorrow. Goodnight.
- Goodnight. - Thank goodness! - lt's fine.
- What's her name again? - Marina. She's fantastic.
l don't know what's happening to me, l feel weird...
When l met her l wasn't impressed,
but today she opened the door and dazzled me with her blue eyes.
lt's like when you see a car parked out of a space.
The first time you don't care, the second time you fine the guy.
Anyway, l feel full of energy.
l'd love to go to her place, throw coppers at her window,
serenade her, just to impress her, do you understand?
- Serenade her? - Yes. - Where does she live?
- Via Guarrazzi. - What number? - Number 2. Why?
There's street cleaning, she wouldn't hear anything.
A pity, it was a nice idea.
- See you, Antonio. - We could play basket again.
- Sure. - Change your route, they're doing maintenance works.
Get lost!
15 SEPTEMBER 2000, 12:50PM
What kind of sandwiches do you have?
- Ham, cheese, cheese and ham... - Smoked or cooked? - Cooked ham.
- l don't like it. What about cheese? - Just cheese.
Well, there are different sorts of cheese: cheddar, mozzarella...
- l got up at 6 this morning. - l got up at 5.
When did you go to bed?
- Around eleven, half past eleven, midnight. - l went to bed at 2am.
- Well, cheese sandwich, then. - Right. - l'm sorry.
Can you warm it up a bit?
Sure!
lt will take half an hour.
- Forget that. - Are you sure? - Yes.
Two sandwiches, a Coke and a bottle of sparkling water.
- l'll treat this gentleman here. - No, l'll pay for my sandwich.
- Come on, l'll treat you. - l don't want you to.
- How much is it? - 4500 lira. - Right.
- Don't you have the money? - l need to find a cash point.
- l'll pay for it. - l don't want you to.
- You'll pay me back. - l'm not hungry any more.
- Do you know what time l got up? - At six. Forget the sandwich.
- l'll take it. - l'm not eating it. - Whatever.
- How much is that? - 21.200 lira. - Here.
Your sandwich!
l'll pay you back!
Promise.
What about some Coke?
- No, thanks, l'm fine. - Come on. - Don't insist.
Well, maybe l'll have just a sip.
lt's nice, refreshing!
lt just slipped down my throat, thanks.
After that fateful dinner party, things got better and better.
Giovanni gave Marina the ring, but l don't know how he managed.
Anyway, they were an item and billed and cooed all the time.
Things were getting serious, Giovanni had even bought a car.
For romantic trips. And he had taken a decision.
He would ask Marina to move in with him.
Lucky people! l had jilted Silvana but felt emptied.
So l took refuge in silence, meditation and introspection.
lf you feel down, treat yourself to a Zen course at a disco!
We had chosen the play!
Giacomo had talked us into staging ''Cyrano de Bergerac''.
We have the play, we have the posters.
- Here. - Have a look...Sweet! - Just printed.
Moron, Cyrano is with C not with S!
- You wrote Bergerac with K! - He's not Diabolik, is he?
You're useless!
We were rehearsing like crazy.
We had found the female protagonist, Francesca.
lt was all like a dream. But it soon turned into nightmare.
A bad one!
- Fuck you! - Francesca! - Fuck you, too!
Aldo!
- What did you do now, huh? - What?
- We've just seen Francesca. What did you do? - Nothing.
Look, smartie, you didn't come on to her, did you?
- No. - Be honest.
- Yes. - She caught you with another girl, didn't she?
- No. - Be honest! - Yes!
Congrats! You're the Asshole of the Year!
- There's only one thing to do. - What? - Call Silvana.
- Are you kidding? Not her! - She knows the part.
- You can't do this to me! - You screwed up, now you pay.
- Hang on a minute, l have an idea. - Which is?
Let's organize an audition.
- What's your name? - Elena Anselmi.
- Where are you from? - Milan.
l assume you're a professional actress.
l am. What about you?
The play is ''Cyrano de Bergerac''.
Bergerac is the name of the playwright.
l assume you're a professional actress.
- l worked with Peter Brook. - Fancy! The great Peter Brook!
My goodness, l had no idea he was a theatre director as well.
- Let me do the talking! - What did l say?
Aldo, let him do the talking!
l'm sure you know who Cyrano is.
l'll play Cyrano, he is a romantic character.
He's in love with Roxane, but he's ashamed of his nose.
He helps Christian, who's handsome but stupid, to win Roxane over.
- Who's playing Christian? - l'm playing Christian the Fair.
- Be serious, who's Christian? - l'll be Christian the Fair.
- What? - l didn't say anything!
...He's so ashamed of his nose that he gives up his love.
He helps Christian, who's handsome but stupid, to win Roxane over.
l'm playing Christian the Stupid.
- The scenery will be minimalist. - Haven't we met?
- l don't think so. - You are the department store mime!
- Yes. - Really?
l've been working there for a year.
What's wrong?
Giovanni, you don't need to say everything.
lt's a Kafkaesque situation.
Who's this guy Kafkaesque, by the way?
We have planned the staging to the last detail.
The scenery is very important, it's our signature style.
''Sobriety above all'', is our motto.
Giacomo, look! The pen looks as soft as rubber.
Why don't you go to a supermarket and mime a cactus?
Sorry.
So, what do you think?
When do we start?
The staging of ''Cyrano'' got off to a bad start.
lf you think that was bad, well... the worse was still to come!
For love can be such a bastard!
Call it fear but...
Moving in together seems a rash decision to me.
We need to sign for the flat. We were lucky to find it.
lt's perfect, it just needs decorating.
l wouldn't rash things.
The bathroom is huge.
The window looks out on the stairs, though.
Anyway, if you're in the bathroom you're not on the stairs, right?
You know, it's a matter of space, of individual habits...
We can put my mum's furniture in the dining room.
And in the kitchen as well. Can you ask for anything more?
l have this nightmare: my parents watching TV and keeping silent.
And they loved each other!
What do you think?
Well, maybe l shouldn't say that, but...
lf you are so doubtful...
Either you move in with him or you dump him.
Maybe l shouldn't say that... but your mum's furniture sucks!
Giacomo, you couldn't tell a plane from a steam iron.
You don't need to be a carpenter to appraise furniture.
- The know-how is the key, mate. - What the fuck are you saying?
So is life, Giacomo.
- Giovanni! - Giovanni...
What did she say exactly?
Exactly? She needs to think it over.
Where is she now?
- Where is she now? ln Frankfurt. - Frankfurt?
lt's her job, you know. She said she needed a break.
ln Frankfurt?
l can tell what she's up to in Frankfurt, the City of Vice!
l bet she told him she needs to be alone to think.
She said she wants to think, she needs to be alone.
Well, it was the other way round.
- lt's normal in a relationship... - Yes, the relationship.
- Giovanni, she didn't mean that. - She didn't mean that.
Don't repeat every word l say! One asks, the other replies!
Replies.
You're good at jilting girls...
But as couples' counselor you suck! Leave it to me.
Don't worry, we'll sort this out.
Giovannino, what did you say her?
Say ''to'' her, mind your grammar!
Giacomino, l'll hit you with a shovel in a minute.
What did you say ''to'' her?
l stayed silent, l was miming. l didn't know what to say, anyway.
- She did the talking and you were mum? - Yes.
Bloody hell, she wanted you to... Don't you know women, yet?
- You're a first-class asshole! - You reckon? - l reckon.
Now go and get the first flight to St. Petersburg, understood?
lt's Frankfurt, anyway.
Giacomino, l'll use the shovel to kill you and then to bury you!
- Geography is important. - Your health is, too.
- Are you still here? Hurry up! - l don't think l should.
- He's afraid of flying. - What?
- You are afraid of flying! - He's terrified.
lt's not that. Anyway, l'm working as a mime tomorrow.
l can't believe my ears! l could stand in for you,
but your costume is too tight and my family jewels show.
- But Giacomino can do it! - Him? - Sure, why not?
l can mime touching a wall, climbing stairs...
- Don't. - A flower blooming, pulling a rope...
- Don't do that. - And that one. - Which one?
- The skater. - He did it. - Ok, l'll stay.
l would be worried too, but since he has to stand still...
Shall l go? l'm going.
- Thank you. - lt's all right.
Excuse me, which floor is men's underwear?
- No idea, try second floor. - Thanks. - You're welcome.
- What's wrong with you? - Nothing. - Don't answer.
- You asked me... - Stand still. - But... - And shut up.
- Didn't your friend tell you? - He did, but...
- Stand still! Like this. - Keep your hands off me, please!
You must stand still no matter what happens, ok?
Even if a client asks you something, ok?
- He looked for underwear... - And you stay still and quiet!
- All the time? - Yes.
- Like l'm doing now? - Do you understand now?
- l'm not stupid. - Let's see if you can stand still.
That's our game, you see? They talk to you, you don't speak.
Our customers want this, and we give this them.
We give this ''to'' them. You know, grammar rules are important.
- Out! - Easy... - Security! Take him out!
Put me down!
Tell your friend he's fired!
She's not in Frankfurt, as far as l know.
- She's not here? - She asked a colleague to stand in for her.
- Hang on a minute, come on... - Go, sod off!
Come on, go!
You can't treat me like that! l was trying to do my job!
Giovanni?
- Marina! What...? - Giacomo!
Weren't you in Frankfurt?
lt's a long story. But what are you doing here?
- l had to stand in for Giovanni. - Why?
He went to Frankfurt to look for you!
Gosh, what a mess! l came here to talk to him.
- What happened to you? - l argued with the manager...
Have you heard about the inclined plane theory? l'll tell you.
lf you put a small ball on top of an inclined plane,
the ball slides down, going faster and faster.
lt's impossible to stop it.
Here they are: heart-broken girl who needs to talk,
meets well-meaning, trusted friend.
- How do you think it will end? - Can we talk? - Say no!
Just relax and then you'll see...
l'm going that way.
- l can walk you. - Say no! - All right!
lsn't this your stop?
Give me your hand.
Turn your face round.
But people are not small balls.
Just one look, a few words can change the course of events.
lt's a pity Giacomino is a puppet in the hands of fate!
Thank you.
You're welcome, just not so tight!
l don't know how it could happen. lt just happened.
- You know how these things go. - No, l don't!
Anyway, do you really have to tell him?
- Of course! - Are you sure? - Yes.
- Wait after the opening night. - The sense of guilt kills me!
Jeez, now you have a conscience! You could have told him yesterday.
l had to tell him he's been sacked.
- l don't believe my ears! He's been... -..sacked.
- Shit! Why? - l argued with the manager.
ls it Cock-up Day? Girlfriend and job in one go!
Go run his mum over...
- And be done with it. - Thanks! - Don't mention it.
And, Giacomino? lf l ask you to do me a favor, don't do it!
Ladies and gentlemen, we are ready to start.
Let the trumpets play and the actors play their part.
Christian, my friend! Come, embrace!
Cyrano, what news? No, l can't do it.
You must concentrate, the opening night is in five days!
l looked for her everywhere, nobody knows where she is.
What bad luck!
Paola told me she looked for me at the department store.
l was in Frankfurt and she was at the department store! Gosh!
Haven't you seen her?
- Who? - Well, Marina!
- No. - She must have come after they threw you out.
- She must have. - Maybe she didn't come at all. - Maybe.
Let's start again, Giacomino. ''Christian, my friend...''
Well, actually, l saw her.
- What? - She was looking for you.
- Why didn't you tell me? - l thought it better not to.
You had a lot on your mind, l thought l'd told you later.
Later my ass! What did she say?
Nothing special, you weren't there so she left.
Come on, Giacomino. ''Christian, my friend...''
Well, we talked, a little.
Jeez!
What's with you Giacomo? Have you lost your tongue?
- Tell me what she said! - Nothing, really!
We went to a cafe, she had some tea, l had a coffee...
l don't give a shit about it! Just tell me what she said!
Will you turn that bloody music off?
- So? - Calm down...
You know, we didn't have much of a conversation.
- l walked her home, and then... - And then?
Nothing, it's all forgotten.
What's forgotten, Giacomo?
Well Jo... We kissed.
Jo, Jo!
Turn him! Make up your mind, we can't break him in two pieces!
l can't turn him, wait, let him breathe.
Good heavens, Giacomino, what did you do? Jo, come round!
Hopefully he's lost his memory.
He's coming round! Come on, Giovanni.
lt was just a nightmare, how are you?
- l was in Frankfurt and you kissed her! - Yes, but...
Shut up! l was in Frankfurt and you kissed her, l hate you!
- l can explain... - What? You're a bastard!
l'm through with you.
- lt was just a kiss. - Mind your business, will you?
A kiss... is just a rose-dot on the 'i' of 'Frankfurt'.
- Are you taking the piss? - Sorry, l'm confused.
- You knew and you didn't tell me! - l didn't know!
You made me go to Frankfurt so he could have a free hand.
lt's all a misunderstanding, you're angry...
You make me sick! Both of you!
- No, please, calm down. - Shut up! Just shut up!
You're an opportunistic parasite who scrounges a living!
You know what? Go to my store, get your stuff and move out!
The fun is over!
- And the play? - The play, you said?
Look what l'm doing to your play!
Your bloody play!
Please, leave it.
Go, Giacomino, leave me alone.
Excuse me, where's the hospital?
- Excuse me... - l'm busy, ask the reception.
- Excuse me. - Yes?
- We're here for Aldo Baglio. - Who? - Aldo Baglio.
Leave it to me.
- Whom are you looking for? - Aldo Baglio, he should be here.
- Baglio...you mean Pirandello? - No. - He is a tall, bald guy.
And he has a bee in his bonnet about acting. That's Pirandello!
Where can we find him?
We discharged him. We couldn't do much else for him.
- Why, is he seriously ill? - Well...are you his relatives?
- No, but... - Then l can say no more.
l'm family!
l'm col ceather, his aul lad is my aul one's brathair.
- What? - Me aul one, me mathair, he's me first cousin.
- Will you stop that? - Yes.
- Pretty, wasn't she? - Who?
- The nurse. - That's not why we're here.
- l know. - You know we're here for another reason.
l know, you don't need to tell me.
lt must be here.
What sort of place is that?
- Who's that? - We're here for Aldo Baglio.
You must be his friends from Milan! Come on in!
Aldo will be happy to see you. lf he recognizes you...
St Antony Abbot! Thanks for taking me to Heaven.
lt's so bright and quiet here!
St Antony Abbot! Are you the cousin of St Antony of Padua?
- Aldo! Do you recognize me? - Yes, St Antony?
- No, l'm... - St Antony! - lt's Giacomino! - Giacomino?
What? You died before l did! Did you hit your head too?
- No, we... - Aldo, we've come to see you.
Marina, it's so nice to see you!
- Who's that old man behind you? - lt's me, Giovanni!
- Jeez, you look awful! - He doesn't recognize me.
lf you're here, l must be dying!
- Aldo, don't say that! - Auntie Caterina!
l want some sparky water! Down my throttle...
- Sparky water! - Calm down. - Here it comes.
- Sparky water! - Yes, calm down.
How nice is to have you here! You are friends again!
- Aren't you? - Sure, Aldo. - That's great!
- Here's your water. - Here it comes.
- There you go. - Water!
- Does it spark? - Sure it does. - Calm down.
Sparky water, sparky water.
l can't bear to look at him!
- Leave it to me. There you go. - Sparky water. - Here.
Down my throttle!
- Can't we open the window? - Better not to.
The doctor said the light bother him.
But, madam, what happened?
He had an accident by chance. Hit his head, woke up like that.
He don't eat, don't sleep, just drink sparky water.
- What did the doctor say? - Doctors my foot!
l hope St. Bartholomew come soon on his horse.
Let's hope so.
He carry him away and put him out of his misery.
- Madam, try and be optimistic! - l'm being optimistic.
- Are you? - Of course!
- My friends! - Yes, Aldo? - What?
- Do you know wh... - What? - What did you say? - Like...
- Like what? - Aldo, calm down. - Speak slowly.
- Do you know what l'd like to do? - What?
Eating Uncle Toto's ''arancini'' with you.
- They're scrumptious! - Can you get up, Aldo?
- Shouldn't you stay in bed? - No, l can get up.
- Let us help you. - l can get up.
- Let us help you! - l can... no, l can't!
- You can't? - No, l can't. - Don't move, Aldo.
- l can get up. - Help him!
l have bedsores, l can't get up!
- l fancied arancini! - We'll get them.
- Would you do that? - No problem.
- Really? - We're going. - l love you! - Come on...
- Thank you! - We're off.
- l'll keep him company. - Ok. - Marina, keep me company. - Sure.
ls that old man our Giovanni?
- Where's Uncle Toto's? - Round the corner.
But Aldo stays here, so if St. Bartholomew comes...
- ls this Uncle Toto's bar? - Yes.
Giovanni, l meant to tell you this ages ago.
- What? - Nothing happened with Marina, apart from that...
- Forget that, Giacomo. - l just wanted to... - Leave it.
Ladies and gentlemen on your seats you may stay.
Let me introduce myself: l am the Play.
Pirandello, you're a poet!
The Acts are my limbs made to delight queens and kings.
My heart is called ''Plot'': people who love and who love not.
My blood is what adds fuel to the Plot: a kiss or a duel.
l feed on hand-clapping, l'm killed by bad acting.
l am the Play and shall split into Acts,
to tell you extraordinary facts
about two knights, who know each other
and a lady who likes one but loves the other.
You'll learn about Cyrano's nose. You'd think it's made of putty.
lt's indeed the actor's nose but don't tell him, he's ratty!
The other knight is young cadet Christian.
He is handsome all right, but his style is pedestrian!
Use your imagination, this is fiction!
Both love Cyrano's cousin, Roxane, and long for her embrace.
She loves Cyrano's soul and brains but likes Christian's face.
My prologue ends there, let the Play begin!
l shall weave the Plot with care and embroider it while l spin.
Ladies and gentlemen, we are ready to start.
Let the trumpets play and the actors play their part.
Christian, my friend. Come, embrace!
Cyrano, what news? Good or bad?
l saw Roxane.
Doth she love me? Say! Doth she think me fair?
As Death draws near, l can see what my tombstone shall say of me:
''Here lies a metaphysician, rhymer, brawler and musician,
famed for the duels he fought,
who was everything, and yet was naught.''
Could a storyteller say more than the actors who play?
All l can do, l fear, is curtsy to you and disappear.
Cyrano, before Roxane's eyes, opens his heart and then dies.
Like Cyrano, l shall die soon. l am going to meet my doom.
Like a flower, l was made to bloom for two hours and fade.
l live for your applause and then l die, like a rose.
l know, l know... l lied!
lt was Marina's idea to pretend l was dying.
l wasn't happy about it. You know...touch wood!
Anyway, if l hadn't lied, those two would never have come.
And l wouldn't be happy!
As my grandad used to say: a white lie is better than truth.
That's all folks. But l bet you're curious!
l guess you want to know if we'll stage other plays,
if we'll spoil everything again,
if Marina and Giovanni will get together,
if Giacomo will manage to kiss the pretty nurse.
Well, l have no idea! But, as my grandad used to say:
Everything is possible... more or less.
Personally, l don't know where l will end up.
l have an idea, though...